I can't breathe out the right side of my face
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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