6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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