Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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