how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
