i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
