Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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