I think I died a long time ago.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
