I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
