Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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