And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
