I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sorry about my life...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
