Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
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Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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