if you like me you must not know who I am
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
