I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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