just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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