I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
