Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
