I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
ttyl tear gas
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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