he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....