based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.