gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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