if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
