Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
