I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
