Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
