Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
