Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
