in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
