our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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