I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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