She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
