my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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