i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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