I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
