You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Go christen that room with your naked body.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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