dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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