she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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