I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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