I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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