when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
