I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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