I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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