Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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