I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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