im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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