Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
