Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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