I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
