Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
