Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize