a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
