I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
