I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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