piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
