take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
