I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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