Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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