Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
