Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
