if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
