I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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