I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
only you would photoshop your dick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
