Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
