Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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