I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
